Christy (Titus) Thomson, CVV 17
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
-Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude
I am alone a lot, probably too often in fact, for a brain which never seems to stop thinking, worrying, correcting. Many people ask what it’s like, day to day, working as an artist, and usually I don’t tell them the truth about it—it means you are alone. a lot.
I do, in fact, enjoy being alone—typically not one to feel lonely with myself, these moments provide space and opportunity for reflection, time to journal, get thoughts on paper, draw. But sometimes, during the workday, in the moments of reflection questions seem to constantly reappear within my heart: are you doing anything meaningful? How is the creation of new pictures benefiting anyone’s life? Is this what God is really calling you to do with your life?
I have no answers to these questions, or more truthfully, I have no answers to these questions which I feel are real; which really answer the question. Its become almost a mantra, these questions, some days they seem to haunt me and other days I allow myself to embrace them like old friends, comfortable in my uncertainty.
Throughout the Lenten season, a time of anticipation and preparation for both life and death, learning to live with uncertainty in life is one which constantly challenges me to grow, reflect, and trust in God. While I often doubt if whether I am living life in a positively impactful manner, if I’m learning and listening enough to those around me, if I’m selfishly following my own path, rather than God’s, Thomas Merton’s prayer rings through my ears.
As we take this Lenten season to prepare for the celebration of Easter, how can we learn to live with uncertainty, further reflect on how we are living our lives and deepen our trust in God’s love for us?